At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
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blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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