I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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