And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
