You're my little dorito
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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