Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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