Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
