My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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