Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
