my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
