I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
