Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think my moral compass just broke
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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