Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
