Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
