I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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