I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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