At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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