My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
