I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
