Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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