i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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