Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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