Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
