hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
