i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
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WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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