So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
