The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
