It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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