not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
as a side note pls kill me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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