And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
