I'm so fucking centered right now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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