He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
