giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
