i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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