too bad you live with your parents still
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
