sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
