After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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