but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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