haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
