I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
