i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
