I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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