She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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