Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
