Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
