totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
