Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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