Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Quick, to the slutcave!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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