The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
