I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
