This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
