I wish I could teleport
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
