can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
