I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
