i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
