I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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