At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
