I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
