i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
