I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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