we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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